Be real, are you really that confused?

I hear this statement from committee members (more recently) often:

Wait, I am confused.

When people say "I'm confused," they may be expressing a literal lack of understanding, but they are often using the phrase as a polite or passive-aggressive way to point out a flaw, error, or unreasonable action.

What the Phrase Really Means

• Genuine Lack of Clarity: The person truly does not understand the instructions, data, or situation and needs more information. I will give credit where it is due; sometimes a situation or explanation really can be confusing. Howeverrr…. when you say it a lot, be real, are you really that confused? Or could it just be your way of…

  • Softened Confrontation: The speaker thinks your logic, behavior, or decision makes no sense, but they use confusion to avoid calling you out directly.

  • Disapproval or Boundary-Setting: It highlights an action they find unacceptable (e.g., "I'm confused why you thought that was okay").

  • A Trigger for Defensiveness: In professional or personal settings, listeners often hear "I'm confused" as an accusation that means "you are wrong" or "you made a mistake," which can spark anxiety or arguments.

I don’t bring this up to call anyone out. Despite what many have said, calling people out is not my intention, and I really do not get a thrill from it. Bringing attention to leadership behavior that edges toward toxic is what I will call out.